hello, how have you been? Before you head on to read what I have for you today, please know it is long, and has a lot of feels about vulnerability and if you are going through a break up can be triggering.
Of what little there is written of divorce, no one prepares of you for the rather abrupt introduction to yourself that it can be. This is not the kind of clarity about myself that I was ready for. We grow up idolising and trying to embody certain virtues. Things that have been drilled in since school (What are good habits?) to be rote repeated during job interviews (What are your three best qualities?/What do you bring to the workplace?) to something that you use to market yourself as fuckable (swipe right if you..., we will get along if..). It is a story that we inherit, learn and playact. So when we are faced with our most base instincts and worst qualities, we can't recognise ourselves, and deal with cognitive dissonance by developing multiple defensive personality traits.
I give too much early on in relationships so that the other person is somehow indebted to me, values this side of my heart that I am baring open, and will reward me with love. I have a really big problem letting go, and this may be the reason why I pretend things don't hurt or mean as much. See what I did there? Made you squirm? Imagine being unable to sleep or not knowing who you are after hours of such truth bombs. Highly unpleasant, will lead to a lot of tears and emotional eating. (Also, if you are going down this route can I point you towards individuality’s substack?)
Like those of us who are getting really friendly with our feelings I am ploughing my way through Daring Greatly by Brené Brown (ploughing is purely on me, I am at that point where I just want fast paced fiction). You may have come across her work in other spaces of the internet. Her work is on vulnerability, and clearly this is something I was taught was BAD BAD BAD when I was younger. Which explains my seemingly cavalier attitude for others emotions. Of course, not allowing my self access to vulnerability in the past, has made this whole re-introduction process a lot harder. In her book she mentions someone answering to "how does vulnerability feel" by saying "it's where courage and fear meet". And at that intersection is we find ourselves when we decide to end our marriage and relationship and head towards a divorce. The courage sustains you for a while, and then in the calm post your initial announcement you start to feel; old feelings crop up, there is longing, deja vu, things you thought you would never look back fondly on come back into focus as rose tinted shrapnel. Amidst your deepest darkest fears of loneliness and abandonment you look hard for courage, that which was there till you hung up the phone on your sister, but can't find it. You are then just forced to linger around with yourself and these new feels which you were doing a very good job of ignoring.
Should we stay in there? Create a tent temporarily and camp? Brené says, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. ... If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path."
A lot of the women writers I have read have written from similar places, they have had to come to terms with and make friends with the worst parts of themselves and the work that comes out of it is tremendous, inspiring and life changing. (Roxanne Gay spoke about accessing a similar yet different space in Vanity Fair).
So I am slowly, attempting to sit and be vulnerable, as I reacquaint myself with still strange parts of me.
loved reading it